I started isolating myself. And after a while it became all I knew. It was my only identity. I just didn’t belong anywhere. There was no one I could relate to. There were, but I couldn’t get anywhere anymore, because the isolation became so much a part of me. When the time came that I wanted to rejoin humans, I wasn’t able to.
Being by myself for a long time, I was my only companion. I could see other people’s emotions, but I didn’t know how they thought about themselves. I thought social people didn’t have internal battles because they always seemed to be outside their heads, but that is not true. I am always inside my head. Beating myself up. I can’t escape the guilt and the feeling that I am nothing and such a waste of everyone else’s time and attention. I feel like a burden.
I realized that that is not true. People care. I just was never able to see it because the anxiety, isolation, and guilt made me kill myself emotionally. I am all alone. But not anymore. I just have to learn to realize it.
I found out that I have no idea about certain concepts essential to human experience. I do not know what it means to be missed, to belong, or what happiness is.
To me, people just come and go. Sure I miss them, but I don’t contact them. I don’t care anymore. But I never forget them and how they made me feel. It is impossible for me to think of people missing me. I seem so unimportant and blah. I don’t know if anyone misses me. I don’t think they do. Belonging is something I’ve never felt before. What does that mean? How does it make you feel? What is that? I wish I can experience it. Maybe that is what happiness is. I’ve heard that happiness is something you can do on your own. But I don’t have the emotional capacity to grasp happiness. There are times I get excited about things, and I try to make it last for as long as I can. Mostly, I’m just numb about things. I am always “okay” but I don’t know what that means.
I feel like I understand myself completely but at the same time have no idea what I am. I like being different. I just wish to be able to talk to people without trembling and regretting everything I did or said. I want to be able to connect with people and actually keep the connection instead of throwing it away so easily.